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Love and Loving from a place of fullness in a time of scarcity.

Nov 29, 2021

“Our children were begging us to divorce.” “We disagreed on everything”

My heart sank as the stranger uttered these words in the Starbucks. I’m stationed in a local Starbucks after dropping off my 2 1/2 year old at a strangers home. Sure, its a school with a 5 star rating, but to my son its a stranger’s home. He’s so used to being with me all day and all night. Truth be told even the child that I bore still gets on my nerves, and my God he’s ADORABLE.

Photo by Joelle Martinec (C)Ginger Sole Photography 2021

Of course its good for us to have some space for our own separate identities, friends, experiences. Still, it doesn’t mean it’s an easy transition while creating that separation. We adjust to make it not as painful. At least that’s what we all try to do. With this second attempt at childcare I made his days at school 1/2 days instead of the full day schedule. Still, the hot tears streamed down his cheeks at drop off. The teachers hearts were breaking as much as mine as he clung to my leg pleading to stay with me. For the last 7 months we had shared most every minute together. We had the mornings to visit friends and family, go to gardens and zoos and aquariums. It was a dream setup right? But it wasn’t right for me. I was exhausted. I had lost all sense of my own self. I felt lost, unsure of my identity as a woman, and as a professional creative. I noticed that the more I wanted validation for more than just being a house cleaner, snot sucker, butt wiper, breastmilk creator, meal maker. The added obsession of keeping our home clean and our bodies well amidst this pandemic weighted heavy on me.

Sweet Friends. We have all lost parts of ourselves amidst this time. I had been a professional musician since I was 6 years old. Now at 39 years old with 40 around the corner, I find myself looking for things outside of me to blame for how I’ve felt. Searching for something to shift my way so I can feel loved, adored, acknowledged. My career has shifted dramatically during this pandemic. Trying to keep myself and my family safe while navigating motherhood. To be honest I’ve felt overwhelmed, alone and scared. Amidst trying to change this new found reality, I’ve grown despondent and on more than one occasion blamed those closest to me, especially my husband.

It wasn’t until my grief counselor asked me, “Does your husband know what you’re going through?” “Have you told him how you feel?” “Have you asked for his help?”

Photo by Joelle Martinec (C)Ginger Sole Photography 2021

I stopped and let those questions settle into my heart. I felt like I had been screaming my needs into a void for months. Little moments I hoped that he would step in. I had this strange belief that if he loved me, then he would just KNOW what I needed.

This idea was planted in my mind by my family. I remember the one therapy session I had with my dad where he said, “IF she loved me, so would KNOW what I need”. The counselor gently responded to my father along the lines of, “no one can know what you need, especially if you do not voice it”. The counselor went on to say, “It’s not her responsibility to fulfill it even if you do voice it. Her love is not dependent upon her doing what you need or want.”

I lied numb in bed when I asked my husband to stay for a bit while I nursed our son to sleep. We stared into the dark as I started to unpack the baggage I’d been carrying. The fears I had. The overwhelm I felt. The words I spoke aloud felt so familiar to me, but to him these thoughts seemed new and strange. He responded to me, “I had no idea”. With grace amidst his tired voice, he said, “I didn’t know that it was this hard for you.” His next question, dripping with compassion was all I had wanted to hear for months, “What do you need?”

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” - Phillipians 4:6

If God, even God who knows everything ASKS us to ASK for what we need. All the more, can we as lovable and loved people ask for what we need. Yet, with this caveat… if the request is not answered to our liking… it doesn’t mean that we are not loved, or worthy of love.

To request my desires I have to first know my requests. I have to be in tune with my own thoughts/emotions/state of well being before I can approach someone. I have to ask myself WHAT CAN I DO to take care of my own needs? To expect someone to “fix me” or “fix my issues” is unfair and impossible. Not even God can do that, why would I expect my spouse or friend or parent or child to do that?

Secondly, after I have asked myself what is needed, I have to remind myself that even if the person (or God) I go to does not supply my need or want that does not mean they do not love me.

Action, or perceived action is NOT evidence of love or lack of love. Love persists. Love covers all. Love gives no room for fear. So if I’m fearing someone doesn’t love me enough, or in the right ways…. that doesn’t mean that the Love isn’t there.

Action doesn’t always happen, even when love is constant, even when the Love is as big as God. We prayed for years that my mother’s husband Dan would be healed of Huntington’s. I wondered if I wasn’t doing enough to intervene on his behalf. I wondered if I just prayed more, fasted more, that God would see his plight and do something. He died hours after my plane touched down. My sister, mother and I sang hymns together over his failing body. After we went home I prayed with my (future) husband over the phone for Dan to be released from his pain and be at peace. Just minutes after I hung up the phone, my mother knocked on my door with the news. We we went back to Hospice in the middle of the night to collect his things. Once we stepped into his room I saw his vacant body lying there. It was such a stark contrast to the hours before when his soul was present in his body. I knew he was gone. His body an empty cage.

Love is not in action

Not in what we think we need

Not in forcing one to love us

Not in asking from our greed.

Not in expectation

Not in worry fret or fear

Love is never ending

It is with us now, right here.

It was my husband who got me the ticket to be with my mother and her husband Dan on his final day. In my moment of need my husband saw me 3,000 miles away from my family. In the moment he didn’t ask what I needed. He just provided it, because he wanted to.

In ways beyond my husband has seen needs I didn’t even know I had and met them. In ways beyond he hasn’t seen my needs. In ways beyond I’ve seen my husband’s needs, and in ways beyond I haven’t. We’ve also been in places where the need was real on each side, but we couldn’t or wouldn’t do anything to intervene. Sometimes, it was for the sake of our growth that we stood aside and did not act.

I feel this to be the strange dynamic of love. To love is to act, and at times, to wait, to see, to support from afar. Sometimes we know what our loved ones need. Sometimes its so natural its like breathing. Other times, it’s much more nuanced, specific, inclusive.

It is MY responsibility to know the condition of my heart and head to know how to ask for support, but it is not the responsibility of others to act according to my specific needs or wants.

Many marriages are suffering in this pandemic. Partners who love deeply, now burned out & exhausted from these extenuating circumstances. Children being home schooled, or in school and then out again when their classmates catch COVID. Exhausted parents who have children back home quarantining once AGAIN. We are all doing our best to understand this shifting ground while trying to care for our families. But as we care, we cannot disregard the condition of our own hearts, bodies, and souls. If you have been following this journey with me on Substack, you’ve read how my family alone has lost babies, friends, neighbors, loved ones & co-workers to Miscarriage, Covid, Cancer, Suicide in 2020-2021.

Yet, the more I reflect back, it is not the big things that have been the hardest on us. It’s been the smaller break downs of communication, with ourselves and our loved ones. These breakdowns feel like tiny frequent cuts on our hearts. Cuts of resentment for not feeling heard. Cuts of lost self esteem from being rejected or looked past. Cuts of disillusionment as we learn to start over every day.

Photo by Joelle Martinec (C)Ginger Sole Photography 2021

If I would write something

If I would write something everyday

That somehow would change

How I think, I just may

Take a shot at it

Heaven knows its worth a try

To think something better

Til the day I die

Not caught in the madness

Of news’ shock and awe

But stand in the middle of chaos

Stand tall

Declaring intentions

And finding the good

Not caught up

In all of my couldas, I would

declare I’m a force

I’m a force, I’m a light

Not caring if that’s something wrong

Something right

Will come from it all

It will come, so I hope

Keeping open,

Learn to focus my scope.

See new perspectives

Take them in view

Decide what is best

for the day that is new.

@adjoaskinner

—

I don’t know what that stranger at the Starbucks was going through when he opened up to me about his divorce. I do know that he was hurting. Maybe it was easier for him to open up to a stranger about his hurt. Easier than sharing his feelings of hurt with his ex-wife. This same thing happened a few months back while I was on the basketball court with my son. A different stranger opened up to me about his failed marriage. They were hurt and unable to see the other side. They had all of these small issues that just built a wall between them. Eventually they couldn’t see the love, they just remembered the hurt.

I believe that hurt is something that we can work through. It is something that we can choose to accept. Hurt can be carried for a minutes or for a lifetime. If I believe that I have the ability to control my own thoughts and emotions, then how powerful would it be if I chose that route of healing? How much more love would be offered to myself, my family, my community? How much more could I tap into love? How much more could I find that deep love within?

We all know that person who just exudes that kind of overflowing. Goodness knows I have so much to learn from them. But wow, now more than ever I want to understand how and why that kind of love is important. That overflowing love that says, “take from my well there’s plenty for us all.”

The present breath

Every breath is a present, a gift

A reminder that we’re alive & well

All We need is just one breath

To fuel the life story we tell

So go on, look alive & live it

Don’t get bogged down with what others say

They don’t walk within your shoes

They don’t know what you go through each day.

Stand tall, you’ve got more than you think you do

Walk bold you’ve got magic up your sleeve

Speak freely your voice is important too

Cause more of you is what the world needs!

How have you been doing? Does this speak to you? What areas of your life can you find space for a new kind of grace? Grace that triumphs over hurt? A new kind of love? Love that triumphs over fear? I’d love to hear your thoughts below.

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