Happy New Year.
How are you holding up? Seriously, cause when I was re-reading the poems I wrote this week, I noticed a common theme on death. This theme shouldn’t feel too shocking after coming out of 2020. Yet, I have to say much of 2020 was a deeper level of mourning. Most of which might still still be unspoken, unwritten and un-earthed. We may be going through years of lament after 2020. So how do we function while living our lives as we lament? A friend of mine was sharing her response with me over the phone, and I rhymed her words.
I Think I’m Okay
I think I’m okay
Because I’ve taken the time
To have my thoughts written down.
I think I’m okay
Because I take stock
To keep my feet on the ground
And not be pulled in
To the operation
That doesn’t best serve future me
To be okay, everyday
Where the future’s a place
I want to be.
(Photo by Me)
———
Yet even while being present in the present, I’m still aware of the mourning in the morning. The dance community lost a great this past week. Greg Russell. He was someone I had met through a mutual close friend. He and I had talked about collaborating. At the time I was touring as a singer-songwriter that also tap danced while playing the guitar. He was practically a tap legend, I was definitely not. Still, he was the kindest of souls to consider collaborating on something. I regret that we never did. I’ll never forget the light he was.
Loss
Heard the news again...
Lost another friend
It never seems to
hit the same way twice
But I’m looking at my stuff
Seems to be more than enough
Maybe I won’t let stuff
Curtail my life
Maybe I’ll go much deeper
To when I was a seeker
When I was an old soul
With young eyes
Maybe now I’ll ask the question
Am I good with more of less than
If less means I have yet more
Second tries.
How to do this in a way that
Idyllically I don’t react
When the world is in chaos
And the earth quakes.
I will hold on to my loved ones
I will tell them they’re enough
Cause we all have different forces
now at stake.
And so we each, a force
Live our lives now, no remorse
We’re all unknowingly wondering what’s next.
None of us can right predict
What will stand as holy or illicit
All we know is life is beautifully complex.
(Photo by Me)
———————-
I didn’t want 2021 to start out with death. 2020 took more people than we would have ever imagined. I lost some. One of them was my next door neighbor… we watched through the window as the lights from the emergency vehicles pulled up to take him, but he was already gone. Soon after the lights and sirens left, the quietness of the men carrying his body was displayed in stark contrast to his widow’s wails echoing out of the door of their home. I didn’t know what to do… I felt helpless. So I wrote from her perspective.
When it all goes down
In a moment it just happens
You are here and then you’re not
All that’s left is uncertain
The years we dreamed are lost
We planned a long life together
After work we’d then retire
But we were both still working
When you left me on the wire
Calling out emergency
The lights and sirens came
And when they stood upon my porch
To talk of your remains
Time began to slow down
And my hands began to shake
I prayed that this was all a dream
But knew I was awake.
Why now in this moment God
Why me left behind
Who am I without the one
Whose been there at my side?
Faithfully for many years
Without a thing to show
We never had children
There’s no one else I’ve come to know
So well that they know my thoughts
And answer them before
I ever have to share them
That’s the start, there’s so much more.
Who am I without your hands
To hold and touch and feel
To never hold your hand again
This all feels so unreal.
But here it is this moment
That I prayed would never come
I knew one day it had to
But when this new day had begun
I never for a moment thought
Today would bring your end
I’m sitting with the fact that
I’ve lost more than my best friend.
————-
It was only a week later that I got a call about someone else. This time it was COVID hitting in a different way. He left by his own choice. The theme of suicide has been on the rise among young people in a very real way. He was a best friend, a member of our wedding party. After his wife called me with the news and I had to deliver it to my husband… I didn’t know what to do. So I wrote the lyrics to this song.
You Were Enough
Quietly did you go
Cause its not quiet here
thoughts running through our minds
Are just too loud.
And there’s nothing now
Left to say other than
Not quite
Not quite enough love here for you
There wasn’t enough here for you
But you were enough
Wish you had known that
Life is enough
For you to live
But you were enough
Wish you had known that
Life is a gift
Your life was a gift
Quiet then went the phone
After she dropped it
news of your loss
Still ringing in our ears
What is there left to say
Other than truth now
You were gone too soon my friend
What an unexpected end.
Cause you were enough
Wish you had known that
Life is enough
For you to live
you were enough
Wish you had known that
Life is a gift
Your life was a gift
Can’t go back
To what it was
These regrets
Can’t bring you love
When you were caught
Within your mind
Tables turned and nothing could change it
But friend if you had only reframed it
Cause you were enough
Wish you had known that
Life is enough
For you to live
But you were enough
Wish you had known that
Life is a gift
Your life was a gift
Quietly did you go
Cause its not quiet here
thoughts running through our minds
Are just too loud.
———————
What if
What if it all
went away in a second?
And we didn’t have a chance
to say goodbye?
What if we only had
this day to live
And couldn’t do
great things with our lives?
What if time was more elusive
Have we been abusive
With our time because
we thought we had control?
I’ve been thinking on this truth that
I have often been up to bat
But only with my body
Not my soul
Now my souls eternal form
Feels my body getting worn
And I may not have time left
To do it all.
So I’ll take in sober breath
When my breath is all that’s left
And I’ll know
I was the best me through it all.
Can I say this to myself
Despite not building great wealth
Despite not seeing my name
up there in bright lights?
That I learned to live indeed
Planted often, sowed my seed
Despite failing terrifically
I have my peace
Whatever things have past have past
I have no say on what lasts
But I’m grateful and I’m blessed
I get to be.
—————————————
Death is a certainty. Yet, the mourning process often feels too difficult to discuss and too vague to comprehend. It is the strangest certainty there is. As my therapist Dr Therese says, The stages of grief are cyclical. So I’d like to explore the different stage of grief with you, not in any special order, just in the cyclical nature that they are.
Is this something that you would be interested in? let me know here by leaving your comments.
Please share this newsletter with others who may find it healing, helpful or insightful.
———-
Til next week my friends, thanks for going on this journey with me. This newsletter is still a BETA project for me.. oh yes and I’m sure there will be typos so bear with this sleep deprived mama of a toddler. I don’t want typos to get in the way of sharing so thanks for the grace. With that said, I know there’s always more to learn and more to rhyme so I appreciate any feedback in the comments. With your help, I can make changes as I go, and hopefully you’ll find those changes for the better. My prayer for you and I is that we can say together, “now I found my voice”.
Thanks for reading til the end
You are beautiful and good and there’s nothing wrong with you,
Adjoa