My friends,
Firstly I want to apologize for the radio silence. Last you knew I was planning on taking a two week break and then coming back. I was really having such an amazing time connecting with you on this platform. I was also ready to take it to the next level. When some hard things happened I lost my will to even explain what was going on. Please forgive me.
I’m taking time to write now because this week I was challenged by the Olympic Gymnast Simone Biles. When she pulled out of her vault routine to focus on her own well-being it really encouraged me. Her bravery in the face of global scrutiny gave us all the chance to consider mental health to be AS important (if not more) as our physical wellbeing, commitments and career goals.
Hands up cause we’re ready
For something to change.
living in this isolation
Feels strange.
Been learning some new tools
To make it on through
I must make my own change
To live out my truth.
I know it’s my bucket
That first must be filled
For my heart to be open
I must have the will.
To have those discussions
That seem hard to do
I know I must have them
To speak out my truth.
I know I must have them
Though people are hurt
Boundaries put a new stake
In the dirt.
So the stakes have been raised
And the fence is put in
And I feel at a loss
As much as a win.
But the boundary is there
To protect what is gold
So I’ll live by my heart
Not just do what I’m told.
With the boundary up
People speak from their pain
With this wall up they think
Things will not be the same.
But that is the point isn’t it,
can’t you see?
The wall has been put up
To protect you and me.
And that isn’t selfish
When me as a whole
Takes care of a family
With body, mind, soul.
I know that the boundary
Might seem elite
And you may have opinions
“… that’s not how you treat…”
Me? You say. But it’s not just one way
Relationships give and take from both sides
It’s takes interaction
To see eye to eye
And I’ve tried to be clear
Why the boundary is here.
But I forgot the element
That’s known as our fear
I’m willing to extend my hand
towards your way.
There may be a wall,
there’s also a gate.
And just because you may not
have your own key
Doesn’t mean
That you’re not important to me.
It just means I have more
Than when we first met
I have more to take care of
I have more at stake bets.
I have more to attend to
That needs energy
And I’m learning that learning
Takes more out of me.
So know it’s not personal
I’m on a new track
Can’t run like I used to
There’s weight on my back.
He’s tiny but growing
He’s agile and quick
He’s fine, then he isn’t
He’s healthy then sick.
He’s sweet and endearing
He’s terror and tears
And he’s going to take up
The rest of my years.
So friends and dear family
I’m not who I once was
And neither are you
But we’re all still enough. - @Adjoaskinner (c) 2021
#boundaries#poem
“Let the first act of every morning be to make the following resolve for the day:
- I shall not fear anyone on Earth.
- I shall fear only God.
- I shall not bear ill will toward anyone.
- I shall not submit to injustice from anyone.
- I shall conquer untruth by truth. And in resisting untruth, I shall put up with all suffering.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
I’ve felt a lot of shame for getting quiet. Part of it had to do with some major life changes prohibiting me from having the time and the headspace to write. I started going to grief counseling just one week before we lost our 3rd pregnancy. Amidst the second miscarriage my husband and I had to face that we’d been jobless since 2020. While trying to make sense of the future and find new career options, my son kept getting ill from his preschool. Inevitably we would also get sick. After putting my son and myself through five Covid tests each, we decided to pull him from his part time daycare.
I share this because that part time Preschool was when I would write to you. Today a dear friend is watching my son so I can write this to you. I wanted to let you know where I’m at. It’s not easy to face a failure, especially when it feels like there’s already been so much loss. Yet, if I can learn anything from this it is that part of my healing is to come to terms with “what is.”
A former voice student of mine (amazing SYTYCD finalist & mentor) Kathryn McCormick, has a beautiful practice of writing a letter to herself from her attributes. I decided to put this practice into play. I summoned what Diligence might say if she decided to show me grace. Maybe you can relate to this practice as well and try it for yourself.
Here’s my version:
Dear Adjoa,
You have been using me a lot lately. It’s understandable.
Hey girl, put me away for a bit. You’re tired. You’re burned out.
It’s understandable.
You’ve been growing as a new mother, as a housekeeper/manager and new wife.
You’ve lost the kind of play that you are used to. It’s been replaced by caregiving others.
Here’s the reality. It’s not your husband’s fault, your parents fault, or your son’s fault.
It’s no one’s fault. They are speaking and acting based on their needs, beliefs and understanding.
But you are not them. You are your own person. You are someone with strong beliefs.
Ask yourself what you want to believe now.
You don’t need to believe whatever they tell you, or however they need you.
You are your own person, protected by the faith that you build as you grow in understanding.
There is nothing that you cannot do.
God has already done what you long for, and it is sealed in heaven, awaiting your voice to call it into action just as God called creation into being through the power of the Word.
And your strength in belief will increase the belief of others as you move in that your belief. That you are strong, that you are whole, that you are capable. That all your relationships are with loving equal partners. You are not beneath others. You are not above others. You are an equal partner standing side by side with those you choose to keep close and trust.
You are not a victim my sweet dear. You are an overcomer. So own every part of you, your misses as much as your hits. You don’t have to have it all figured out. You are a continual work in progress. This is a beautiful way to be. This is what allows the creativity to flow between the broken pieces. This allows the healing to flow around the wounds that still feel raw. This allows the understanding to settle into your foundation that you and God and your spouse and your friends are laying. A foundation of trust, love, faith and hope. A foundation of reconciliation, understanding, visualizing, celebrating, and forgiving. Yes this forgiveness none of us deserve, yet its freely given by your Creator. So receive it, even though you don’t feel worthy, hold it close to heart so that you can be fueled by it and then give it out.
You are alright to let go of me for a time. Your worth is not wrapped up in me.
You are of value. Your value is not dependent upon me.
It’s okay to let go of me for as long as you need, until you find that I am a good tool to use again. In the meantime rest, let your soul rest, your bones rest, let your mind rest, your heart rest. Be at peace my beloved. You are enough.
Love,
Diligence
My friends, it’s comfortable for me to do what I’ve always done. My parents named me “diligent worker”, that’s what my birth name means. My given African name of Adjoa, also summons the worker bee in me. It means “Monday born”… so basically I was born for the work week. Yet with becoming a new mother I didn’t allow myself the space to rest. Even though I wasn’t working a job, it’s been non-stop since my son came into this world. I’ve literally strapped him to my chest and have done everything from the dishes, to shopping, to scrubbing the tub. I’ve slept by his side night after night allowing him to nurse on me at will. Yet now as he gets older, I’m learning the transition of weaning him off the night feedings… teaching him that he doesn’t need mama’s milk.
Teaching him comes at a price, it means research, questions, trying things. It means letting him feel some big feelings, being upset with me that I’m not giving him what he wants when he wants it. I keep on, trying other things, then trying something that was the same, but different…. just a little bit. Oh the glorious human beings that we are… we aren’t programmed, cause we’re not robots.
Been thinking on a few things
Like the basics we neglect
Although culture discourages this
Please allow me to reflect
For as long as I remember
I’ve been told to hustle hard
I’ve been told to keep a tidy car
Tidy home and yard
But, what if my time was spent on the basics
Time spent on sleeping well
Time spent on digging deeper
Into the story I want life to tell.
What if time were seen as treasure
An allotment I can hold
That slips away in measure
Every day as I grow old.
What if I lived basic
Clean hands and dirty feet
What if I focused less upon
The things that made me weak?
focused more on strengthening
The areas I do right?
Instead of looking at my lack
That keeps me up at night.
Searching for an answer
That is farther from the source
Until I find the antidote
To get myself on course
Lies purely in the basics
Food and sleep and movement too
Upon getting these essentials
Id be peachy keen like you.
@adjoaskinner
With the grand un-doing that this pandemic has proven to be, added with the beautiful un-raveling it has done to us all. I feel like we’ve had to face this truth, that life IS our grand experiment.
This tool of “experimentation” goes hand in hand with letting go of control.
To be honest even trying can feel overwhelming. While going through my second miscarriage, the Dr said to me, “maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself… maybe stop trying for a while.”
I felt a level of anxiety rising up in me after her suggestion. But if I step back… even just a little bit to consider that maybe just maybe she’s right.
More can be many things. So what do I want it to be?
If life is a grand experiment.
Do I want :
more love?
more peace?
more joy?
more fun?
It’s not selfish to want those things. Its actually life-giving.
Feeling
Anger, Frustration
Fear, Doubt, Shame
Apathy, Empathy
None are the same
Happy, Gleeful
Sad, Bereaved
Full, Empty
wholly receive
Now reach to explain
Why you don’t
Feel the same
As you used to.
Try to explain
Why you don’t
Feel the same
As you used to.
I’m feeling
all my feelings
Are like tricks within my mind
I’m want
Set the record straight
that I’m not always “fine”
Scratch that itch,
repeat refrains
Where I’m the victim once again
Scratch that itch,
til it inflames
It’s in how the thought is framed.
Is this the end
I breathe again
Is this the start
I check my heart
Is this the place
Where I now face
The things that kept me in a cage
The lies passed down
That I believed
The reasons why
They chose to leave
The lies passed down
Like baggage cause
That’s just the way
It was.
But I’m not them
I am me
And I decide
If I am free
Put that baggage
Out to trash
Its not like
They ever asked
“Do you want this?”
checked their list
Just their way to
Get rid of this
They kept piece,
for them, for me
But I decide to
not pay fees
I decide to
Start new paths
I just started
didn’t ask. - @Adjoaskinner (C) 2021
———-
Life is our grand experiment. I’ve made some mistakes and I’m growing from them. I’m so sorry if you’ve been affected by those. I’m working with a new sense of understanding today.
What are you learning? How are you growing? What has time taught you? Please leave a comment below and if you enjoy this newsletter please subscribe.
For now, Thank you for reading. You are loved, you are valuable.
May grace and peace always be before you.
———-
“I have a 2% chance of survival, but 2% is not 0% and two percent is something…
You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.”
- Nightbirde on “American’s Got Talent”
“NOW I FOUND MY VOICE
and they can’t silence me
NOW I FOUND MY VOICE
I don’t need the world to see
THAT I FOUND MY VOICE
Wooooooohoooo I finally am free
CAUSE I FOUND MY VOICE
and there’s nothing wrong with me.” - @adjoaskinner
And there’s nothing wrong with you either!