*Just a heads up, this edition on Anger features links to explicit content including foul language and disturbing images. Don’t click links if near children.
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Happy End of the Second Week of 2021 Friends,
How are you doing? Really. If you haven’t been hit with the bevy of emotions from the news reel I commend you. Whew, what a time to be alive. So, while we are on the topic of life let’s begin our series on death’s cycles of grief. I felt it appropriate this week to share about the most controversial stage of grief, ANGER.
STARTING THE YEAR ANGRY
Is starting 2021 angry a good thing?
If it stirs us to action
If it is the distraction
That we need to get out of our heads
Is starting 2021 angry a bad thing?
Only if it brings destruction
And with that a failure of gumption
To own what is ours ‘fore we’re dead.
We’ve dressed second guessing as second opinion
When it’s really a lack of trust
Claiming doing something is a risk,
while not doing the things that we must
Which brings us to a familiar pain
The pain that follows regret.
Where something was broken or fractured
And the bone must be reset.
For if we leave things to splinter
The bone won’t properly heal
But resetting bones is quite painful
Not something we’d choose to feel.
Yet for the fracture to heal correctly
And find it’s way back to a place
Where it can be, as it was made to be
So it will not be replaced
By something metal, a rod or a plate
It must have the chance to reset
Back to a prebroken posture of health
For new muscle to get wrapped around it.
And though this last year we were all left behind
fractured & broken apart
Through love this new year we can cover our fear
Allowing a safe and fresh start.
Love Faces issues, Before time heals wounds
But only if bones are reset
So it’s okay if you’re angry or mad from the pain
Quite understandable why you’re upset.
——-
In retrospect I wanted this week in review to be more of a socio economic exercise on how the different money classes were awarded the liberty of anger. In my experience anger is a luxury feeling that only comes with an amount of power that one has. Yet, anger is something we all feel, it just shows up in different ways.
I listened to my friend Anna share her story that I rhymed in real time. Her story of anger showed up as deep sadness. Why is it, I thought, that even knowing the topic she would share her “anger” story without actually getting angry? I asked her about this, and her response set into my bones. “I wasn’t modeled anger by my mother. Honestly, it wasn’t something appropriate in my home.”
A while ago I listened to a woman share how women are not encouraged or even “allowed” to get angry. Anger is direct opposition to the ever present societal expectations on a woman to be “pretty, small and quiet”. Anger on a woman appears “ugly, big and loud”. This is definitely something to talk more on for another week, as it is important to keep in mind.
I’d love to delve deeper into societal expectations and the effect it has on the sexes. Let me know if that’s something you want to personally share on by leaving a note in the comments
In the meantime, let’s jump into this week’s rhymes. I’m so grateful to my friend Anna for this important conversation and for sharing so vulnerably so that I could write this while listening to her.
(photo by me)
DEEPER
As recently as last night
While I went outside to pray
I spent much of it sobbing
About the events of the past day.
I came here because I wanted to
Explore the possibilities
Yet since I came the highs and lows
Have brought me to my knees.
The closeness to my heart’s desire
Revealed its not a fit.
But the ever real emotions shared
Have ways to cover this.
The things I’ve glimpsed feel like
foreshadows of what is to come
Although the painful breaks are there
I’m not sure it is done.
I’m not sure we’re done breaking
I’m not sure that we’re broke
I still remain quite joyful
I still have a sense of hope.
Yet, this sense is of rescuing
Redeeming what was lost.
This new sense shows captives
that were never truly caught.
Yet it is so painful
To be walking though the realm
When rescue isn’t happening
And humanness is at the helm.
I am not a Buddhist
I have not found the end of desire
I am a believer
That is purified by fire.
My faith truly is evidence
That when leaning in
I find the core of desire
Is a greater sense of satisfaction.
Yet how do I seek without knowing
When waiting is adding weight
and puts me in a holding pattern.
That’s something that I hate
I hate this helpless feeling
That comes when life hits STOP
I’m not sure if its a pause button
Or if it’s really not.
Is my hope for nothing?
Will I soon rejoice?
Nothing is said specific
While I strain to hear God’s voice.
I’m feeling really helpless
Why am I in this place?
I can’t get clarification
Whether to take a turn-about face?
Do I keep on going?
Do I trust God will provide?
So many times I wasn’t sure
Someone was at my side.
Yet history’s been a love story
That time and time again
Its helped me find and share my voice
In ways I wouldn’t have imagined.
So while I’m in the winter
When this winter is so long
I hold my hands out wide
And I’ll do what makes me strong.
I’ll do what is in front of me
Focus on what I control
For if I try to speed things along
This too will take its toll.
The parables I’ve read tell me
I cannot get time back
I’d be a fool to let what’s un-controllable
Knock me off my track.
I choose now to be faithful
While the winter’s here
The Spring will come eventually
So whenever I feel fear…
I’ll envision raspberries
And lilac blossoms bloomed
I’ll see the wild flowers awaken
before the month of June.
Although these things now dormant
Underneath the frozen snow
There’s truths within their imagery
That I have come to know.
This season will not stay forever
It will come in time
No matter if my senses urge me
To try and jump the line…
I’m here within the winter
With white on white on white
Covering the life I crave
Yet I must live despite.
The winter is a dormancy
I need to rest my bones
And it unearths the parts of me
That needed to be known.
Adjoa Skinner Webb
I’ve known Anna for years, but only this week had the chance to rhyme her words during an hour long conversation. Her words of deep sadness stem from her expectations not being met. Much of anger is stemmed from unmet expectations.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick” - Proverbs 13:12
You can check out Anna’s work including her incredible memoir “sexless in the city” (which I highly recommend) as well as other work on her website. Her recent research had her traveling the breadth of the world from Africa to Asia and in between. I can’t wait to read about her adventures and the people she interviewed along the way. https://www.annabroadway.com
(photo by me)
The anger of our divided states was ever apparent this week as the news blasted impeachment threats for Trump and investigations into the underbelly of the raid / revolution / fear mongering / loss of judgment by the capital building stormers last week. Amidst all of this I sat down with a close friend and did my best to share his deepest frustrations with the government in rhyme.
The Divided
The divided states are called United
While the state of their country is sad
It’s quite troubling to hear about
How can things get worse, they’re so bad.
Honest to goodness, the truth is
At the end of the day every choice
Is a declaration of emancipation
And if we combine with one voice...
Wait.
Are you censoring my voice now?
Scanning my words to find fault
Are you locking up all my accounts
And putting them into your vault?
Telling me you own the internet
As you bill your rate for my time
Claiming its free only then to sell me
Back the minutes I once knew as mine.
If that’s not enough then you spy on me
Tapping my words if I say
Who is this a revolution from ?
Where is the state of our union today?
You watch me as though I’m a threat to you
Afraid fragile power will fail
From the voice of a single person
Whose words are reaching greater scale
One voice who says where’s the boundary
Where freedom lies down and is dead
Where is the point you can tax to
The line can be moved, cause you said?
Cause you said, and I had no say in the matter
I just voted in people you gave
And eventually what was a government
Is now just a master to slaves.
Tell me that I’m over-reaching
let’s look upon the fine print
Taxes taking out 50%
And that’s just the start of it.
Add the taxes to our property,
Add the taxes on our clothes,
Taxes on our businesses
And the Taxes on our homes.
It seems as though you’re good at taking
And spending it however you choose
But where is that money that works for us? It’s obviously not in our schools.
Where is the money for childcare
for working parents who decide
They want a future better for their kin
Isn’t that something you should subsidize?
How can the middle class compete with those who’ve grown too big to fail?
Who have the luxury to hide wealth in tax shelters & watch their businesses scale?
Is this not America?
The home of the brave, free and proud?
Then how come we’ve silenced the middle
Whose voices should rather be loud?
You tax the middle then give to the poor only to keep them there.
Assisted by government programs that are too heavy burdened to care.
Tell me that you have a plan now
To change this so we can be free?
I’m waiting... do you have an answer?
No? Thanks. Im sure you will still take a fee.
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His take away of the week?
Am I angry at where things have gotten to? No
But should I be angry, hell yes
I should be taking a hard look at whether
my liberties are threatened at best.
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My take-away.
Anger is a scary emotion. Facing it or owning it is not an easy embrace. It often stems from feelings of insecurity or fear and is displayed with peppered expletives.
My friends. I hear you. I feel you. We have to agree that feelings of anger are true feelings and carry a weight. We also have to agree that anger doesn’t look the same on everyone. As a society we hold bias to who should be angry and how. We label women “nasty girls” for having a righteous anger. We label men “scary dudes” for having lapses of judgment in how they share their emotions. Often times anger gets compartmentalized and only allowed to come out during certain times, for example while watching sports. There’s actually a Twitter account that’s sole purpose is retweeting angry sports fans. Other times anger can be displayed in art. I greatly encourage you to read this article about an artist who faced her anger towards the man that raped her and towards the people around her who did nothing to help her after it happened.
Anger is controversial. Its also a part of the human condition, and part of our grief cycle. So I encourage you that if you’re feeling angry, go through that emotion til its end. Investigate it, be curious about it, ask yourself the why and allow yourself to be present in that feeling til you get to the other side.
In a recent Podcast of Brene Brown’s she shared a new book by twin sisters who are both Doctors. They shared their findings on how emotions live in our bodies long after we think we have sorted through them in our minds. You can check out the podcast here: UNLOCKING US with twins Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. & Amelia Nagoski, D.M.A.
I’m grateful that I was able to hear the thoughts and feelings of two different genders with two different socio economic backgrounds. I’m also honored that I could be with them to help them go through the tunnel of their emotion.
I want this platform to be a place for voices to be heard and shared, a place to consider others voices as we learn to find our own. If you would like to have your voice shared in an upcoming week in review, please drop a note in the comments.
“Now I found my voice, and they can’t silence me
Now I found my voice, I don’t need the world to see
that I found my voice, oh now I finally am free
Now I found my voice, and there’s nothing wrong with me.”
- Adjoa Skinner Webb
Next week we will continue to explore the stages of grief. More things will be shared soon. I’m working hard to create valuable content for you. If you are enjoying these newsletters please let me know & don’t forget to share!
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Til next time my friends, thank you for walking this journey with me. Please be gentle with yourselves and others, and remember, there’s nothing wrong with you!
Adjoa